Deathwish
by Brooke1
Summary: Xander tried to help Buffy fiight her demons
1. Deathwish 1

Title: Deathwish (1/?) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

_--Buffy_

            As I squatted behind a rather large tombstone I thought the events of the past few days. Or weeks. No, it was probably months. Alright, alright. Years. I thought about all the major events in my life since I was 15 years old.

            I did this everytime I went to go fight now. I reviewed my life and criticized my every mistake before I went to my possible demise.

            If it makes any sense I figured out why I do this, Why I tear myself apart inside night after night.

            I do it because I realize the most inevitable truth about myself. I realized that I deserve to be hated, and alone. I've messed up a lot.

            But nobody hates me. Even people who should, don't. 

            They all should.

            I've been a real bitch in a desperate attempt to push my friends away, but they won't go. They keep holding on.

            I have to hate myself enough for everybody, so that I'm not afraid to lose, to die.

            Now I'm sitting behind a tombstone crying. Just like always.

            I'm crying because I know that one day I'll lose, and it scares me that I don't care. It scares me that this thought is the basis for my every action, just to see how far I can push myself. 

            A sick part of my mind yearns for that moment. My final moment, when I'll be alone and no one will be able to bring me back. The one moment that is destined to come. The time that I'll lose.

            Xander would be so pissed if he knew I was thinking like this. That I always thought like this. I'm his hero and I'm envisioning my own demise.

            I wonder if he would cry the most if I didn't come back one night.

            He, of all people, shouldn't. I hope with all my heart that he wouldn't.

            I don't deserve his tears. 

            Spike was right. I have a deathwish.

            I watch as the seventeenth vampire enter the mausoleum that I had been casing.

            As the steel gated door closes I silently make my way to the entrance.

            I'm too tired to fight it anymore. If I die I deserve it.

            I push the door open again with a shaking hand and watch as the grotesque faces within all turn to me.

            "Spike's right." I say, my voice trembling, my eyes red and stinging.

            And they charge.

_--Xander_

            I've counted seventeen vamps that have entered that mausoleum. I'm relieved that none of them saw me on my perch above one of the neighboring tombs.

            I'm more relieved that Buffy didn't see me though. She would yell, I know that for a fact.

            I'm worried about her. That's why I follow her when she hunts. She doesn't know that I know that she does this everynight.

            Now I watch as she crys behind a tombstone with her knees hugged to her chest.

            I hate it when she crys.

I hate it that she doesn't want me to help make it better.

            Maybe if I wasn't such a doofus all the time I could help her more. The thought that I could be helping her and don't tears me up inside. All I ever want to do is make Buffy's life easier. I'd sell my soul to Satan, without hesitation, if it would make her life easier. Ok, maybe a little hesitation, but the point is that in the end I would do it.

            She peers around the side of the stone she is sitting behind. I'm awestruck as the moonlight bounces off her hair. Buffy is so beautiful to me.

            I wonder what she's thinking. If she's thinking about me?

            The door to the mausoleum closed and she turns around again. I duck so she won't see me.

            She's standing up. What is she doing? She wouldn't. Who am I kidding? I know Buffy well enough to know that she would.

            I try to scurry down the side of my mausoleum as she starts toward her destination. My foot catches of the vine gate and I fall.

            God I'm such a loser. If she dies because I'm clumsy…

            I push myself up hurriedly and sprint to the steel gated door I just saw Buffy walk into.

            Why is everyone who lives on the Hellmouth mentally suicidal?! I scream to myself as I crash to the ground again. Damn stones.

            But I'm up again in no time, and I hear Buffy say in a shaky voice, "Spikes right."

            I see the vamps charge at her as I step into the room behind her. My Slayer. My Hero. I'll kill them all. I'd die for her.

*End Part 1*


	2. Deathwish 2

Title: Deathwish (2/6) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

_--Buffy_

            They think that because I'm crying I'm weak. I'm not. Just because I'm prepared to die doesn't mean I'll give up without a fight.

            I launch into a roundhouse kick that staggers the vamp closest to me into the three behind it. As they go down a clear path opens to the canter of the room. I launch myself to it.

            Flipping through the air, I land and stand myself up.

            I'm surrounded, just the way I want it. It's more dangerous this way.

            As they all turn to face my new position I stake one in the back. As the dust settles a solid punch connects to the side of my head, and then another to my chin.

            I'm staggered a little as I execute a front snap kick to my opponent's face. I feel my foot connect as a pair of strong arms hoist me up from behind and hurl me across the tomb. I hit the stone wall with a sickening crack, and fell my body slide to the ground.

            This is stupid. I'm an idiot for having walked into this.

            I shake my head to try to clear it and the sounds of another struggle break into my conciseness. I try to make out what it is, but fail as another vampire pulls me up by my hair and bashes my face into another stone wall.

            I'm dizzy, but as he reaches to touch the freshly bloodied wound of my forehead I ram my stake home. As he turns to dust I fall to the ground.

"Buffy!", a voice broke through the may-lay.

            I'm pulled to my feet again by my right arm. As my vision reduces the five vamps I originally saw grab me to one I knee him hard in the groin. The offending vampire doubles over and out of my way and I see Xander fending off three more vamps.

            As I launch another punch I almost smile to myself, but that is quickly reversed as the vamp catches my fist and wrenches me around, applying a sever flap palm jab to my elbow. I try to hold back my scream as I hear the bone crack.

            I use the now limp arm to propel the vamp holding me to my front and force a stake through his heart.

            The tears start again, and not just because of the pain. I thought I was alone.

_--Xander_

            I've never fought like this. My lungs are burning, but I'm crazed. I have to fight for her.

            Buffy's not steady on her feet and she is launching careless offensives. It's almost as if she doesn't care. Like she's not even trying.

            I've staked three vamps since I've run into this deathtrap after her, and she has the nerve to give up! NO! I ram my stake home again and another vamp dusts.

            Four.

            My nose has been bleeding for a while, but the pain is reiterated as I am punched in the face again.

            As I hit the ground I see the vamp lick my blood off his fist.

            Vampires sicken me.

            I push myself up on wobbly legs and propel myself to my attacker, but I get distracted as I see Buffy fall to the ground.

            I scream out to her as the vamp I was fighting tackles me football style. Unfortunately for him, his aggression forced my stake into his heart as we both hit the ground.

            The other vampires are watching us. Waiting. As one falls, another joins the fray.

            We can't win like this.

            I think Buffy's arm is broken, but she is still fighting with it.

            I am picked up by my shirk collar and thrown into a stone pillar. My face broke my fall, I laugh grimly to myself as I hit the ground.

            I see a fuzzy Buffy stake a fuzzy vampire as I'm pulled from behind into a kneeling position. I feel my head being forced to the side.

            "NO!!!!" my mind screams, but I can't fight anymore.

            "XANDER!!!" I hear Buffy wail. She must have finally seen me. Her voice sounds like it's a million miles away as I feel the fangs pierce my throat.

            Then, suddenly, there is nothing holding me up. I fall numbly on my side.

            I just want to go to sleep. I can feel it's so close. Nice sleep. But instead I'm being pulled to my feet.

            My legs don't want to work, and I can't make them, so they drag. Then I feel like I'm floating. My feet aren't touching the ground, but I'm flying forward.


	3. Deathwish 3

Title: Deathwish (3/6) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

_--Buffy_

_            My arm is killing me, but I keep running._

            Xander passed out, so I'm carrying him. I wish I could run faster for him.

            There are eight vamps behind me, and I know they can smell us. We are both bleeding.

            I don't know where to go, where would be safe. Xander feels like lead in my arms as my feet connect with the pavement just outside the cemetery. My breath is coming in short gasps and I feel lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and the gash that is still bleeding on my head.

            I can't run anymore, but my legs heavily carry both Xander and I to the street that my mother's art gallery is on.

            I know that this is not about what I can and cannot do. That this is about what I must do. What I will do.

            I can still hear the footsteps falling on the cement street as I hide us in the doorway of my mother's darkened store. I fumble through my pocket key that she had given me. Thank God I chose to wear my uncharacteristic cargo pants, the ones that Xander bought me, I remember fondly. They were his present on my 20th birthday. 

            I have to hurry.

            I drop his feet to the ground and lean his weight on my bad arm. The action causes me to wince as I jam the key into the slot and force the door open .

            I still hear the footsteps and I try to hurry to drag Xander into the dark store. He stirs as I lay him behind the counter and make my way back to lock the door again.

            Then I crawl back to where Xander is laying and as I sit down next to him I start to cry again. I will myself to stop as he wakes himself up, but I can't. I can't anymore.

_--Xander_

            This is exactly why Buffy's my hero. Why I won't give up on her. Why I love her.

I know that she carried me all the way here, running with a broken arm and a head wound.

            We lost. I know we did. But it's only a battle in the whole scheme of the war.

            My thoughts aren't coming easily to me, mostly because my brain feels like soup, but I know that Buffy went the that tomb under the pretense of dying. I saw that by the way she was fighting. She set herself up to die.

            The thought rips through my mind and I feel my body convulse involuntarily as I realize that Buffy could be dead right now.

            I can hear the soft sobs resounding through the room we are in and I reach out my hand to her. I need to touch her, to assure myself that she is okay.

            I run my fingers gently up and down Buffy's ankle as I feel my hand connect with her flesh.

            She gasps at the contact and I sigh in relief. She's alive. Buffy is alive because I ran into that crypt after her. My heart swells as I realize that I, Alexander Harris, gave Buffy Summers a reason to live.


	4. Deathwish 4

Title: Deathwish (4/6) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

Happy reading all!

_--Buffy _

"You're awake." I rasp softly. Well, that's attractive, I sound like crap.

I watch Xander's eyes flutter open as he continues rubbing my ankle.

"Yeah" he responds quietly. He didn't say anything else as he slowly sat himself up and moved to sit next to me. The room was heavily shadowed and I could hardly see him. I think it's better that I can't see his wounds. That I don't know how badly I let him hurt himself. All I needed to know was that he was still alive and with me.

We leaned against the counter and Xander brought his hand up to wipe my tears away. Needless to say, that made me break down more, so he put his arm around my shoulder and held me close.

I can't understand how he could care about me so much. He cares about me more than I do.

I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes trying not to pity myself. I try to concentrate on what I am feeling now, the feelings of comfort and love as I relax further into Xander's warm embrace. I want to stay like this.

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt him swallow and heard his voice rumble from his throat, "What was Spike right about?" he questioned solemnly.

I couldn't look him in the eyes while I told him so I didn't move from my position when I answered, "He told me that I have a deathwish. And I do."

Xander was silent and I felt his grip on my shoulder tighten. I wonder how long he was watching me tonight, but I was too tired and in too much pain to question him on it.

I just wanted him to hold me.

The only reason I got out of there tonight was because of him. Xander gave me a reason to live. I did it for him. I need him.

_--Xander_

            I'm going to kill Spike myself. He made her do this. He gave her justification to give up.

            My heart broke again as I heard the words leave her mouth. Buffy has a deathwish. She wants to die. Tears stung my eyes and I fought to come up with a decent response. It was taking longer than it usually did, but I had never been handed information like this.

            Slowly I said, "The moment you give up, the minute you decide that you won't fight anymore, the second you die, is going to be my last second too. I'm not going to let you go alone. And I don't want to die." That was cheesy I criticized myself.

            I felt her lift her head off of my shoulder and I turn to look her in the face. Buffy is my angel. She can undo me with one look.

            I swallow and continue, "I don't want to die, but I will."


	5. Deathwish 5

Title: Deathwish (5/6) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

_--Buffy_

            We are both crying. I have never seen Xander cry before.

            "I don't want you to die either." I whisper. "Then live." came his reply in a shaky voice. His grip tightening even more on my shoulder. He sounded like a frightened child; I hated myself for doing that to him. I would do anything to never hear his voice sound like that again. 

"I can try" I said shakily as I laid my head back down on his shoulder.

It felt so good to not hold back anymore, to drop my hard front, to just be me; a whimpering mess and all and still have unconditional love. Love that makes me glad that I'm alive to receive it.

Xander kisses the top of my head and said softly yet sternly, "There's no try about it. I won't let you fail."

I can't think of anything to say to that. The silence in the darkened room was astounding as we both sat quietly. 

Suddenly I just had this feeling, it bubbled up as if from no where, and it threatened to make me burst into tears yet again. But this time they would be different tears, joyous tears at my new revelation. I lean further into the crook between his shoulder and his neck and whisper what I was feeling, the only thing I could say. "I love you Xander."

_--Xander_

            My heart skipped a beat and my breath hitched in my chest. "I love you too, Buffy."

            I closed my eyes and sighed smiling. If I could feel the left side of my body and my face wasn't a giant bruise I would have been in heaven. But I have to admit, this is pretty damn close.

            I felt Buffy slide away from me and watch as she moved to lay on her side. She winced as she shifted her broken arm.

            "We're going to the hospital at dawn." I state. She nods in agreement.

            Neither one of us wants to go back out there tonight.

            I move to lay beside her so that we are facing each other. I move my arm to encircle her small waist, and am mindful of her arm as I pull Buffy as close I could to myself. Ahh, one of the few drawbacks to being 3 dimensional, I laughed to myself. I would never let her go. It feels good that she knows that now, and has not yet made a move to protest.

            I listen and watch as her breath slows to a regular pace. I watch her drift to sleep as I feel myself sink into the most content slumber I have had in what feels like years.


	6. Deathwish 6

Title: Deathwish (6/6) 

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG-13 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5. 

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

_--Buffy_

            I haven't slept this good in forever. I can feel Xander laying next to me and I am extremely comforted by that fact. His rhythmic breathing lulls me back to unconsciousness. 

            I awake to the sound that comes as if from out of a dream. I was vaguely aware the of glass breaking as the front window of the shop shattered.

            I try to wake myself up, but I can't stand up fast enough to react properly as what looks like an army of the undead file into the room. 

            There was nothing I could do. They grab me and pull me to my feet so fast that I never had a chance to fight it. I had failed.

            I wanted to live for Xander and he wanted to live for me, but we couldn't.

            I scream in pain and in sorrow as I am wrenched from Xander's arms. I had never screamed that loud before.

            The vamps had followed us here and waited. This was the only safe place I could think of, they weren't supposed to get in here.

            We weren't supposed to lose. Heroes don't lose.

            I felt cold clammy hands running down my face as I watched Xander struggle against his captors as I tried to fight mine. His clear brown eyes were pleading as he fought to reach me, but he wasn't able to.

            The last sound I remember was Xander's scream as my world went black.

_--Xander_

            They followed us here.

            There are more vampires then I can count.

            I want to protect her, but there are four vamps holding me back, they're too strong. I can't move.

            I keep trying though. I will never give her up without a fight. 

            I watch as the vamp that was obviously in charge of this crew moved his hand up to caress Buffy's face. I wish I could rip that hand off.

            I know Buffy is the Slayer, but I also know that she is no match for the five vampires restraining her, especially in her condition. I watch as the vampire's hands come to rest on the sides of her cheeks, and she stills her efforts for freedom.

            He laughs, a deep bellowing laugh, and I am able to see his grip on her face tighten as his nails pierce her skin.

            Buffy's eyes turn to me, and the look in them is something I hoped never to see. Resignation. In her eyes I can read her soul; she's telling me that she is sorry, that she loves me. She is saying goodbye to me.

            The laughter continues, but to me it is drowned out by the last sound I had ever wanted to hear. The sound I knew was coming.

            The vamp rotated Buffy's head hard to the left in one quick movement. The snap echoed in my ears, resonating in my brain.

            With my eyes wide I scream a blood-curdling cry as the body of my beloved hero, my Buffy, fell lifeless to the floor.

            I cried and thrashed to try to escape my captors. I needed to be by her side, to hold her, but I couldn't get to her.

            I shut my eyes against the laughter that still flooded the room while I wished myself to death.

            And it came. A stake was forced roughly through my chest and into my heart. It was Buffy's stake.

            My final thought as my world went black was of Buffy. I had promised her that I would not let her die alone. And I didn't.


End file.
